A few presidential stocking stuffers

What in the world is going on with these Christmas ads from the candidates for president?

First, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee garners a ton of attention for what his critics called an over-the-top, cross-lovin' Christmas ad. Forget the fact that it was a bookshelf. They suggested it was lit to look like a cross and that's wrong. Wow. A Southern Baptist preacher having a cross in an ad is shocking. Give me a break.

Now lo and behold, nearly all of the candidates have gotten in on the act. Sen. Barack Obama sits with his family; Sen. Hillary Clinton, sans Bill, wraps gifts tied to her health care plan; former Sen. John Edwards talks about poverty; Sen. John McCain draws a cross in relating a Christmas story when he was a prisoner of war in Vietnam; Rep. Ron Paul has a ton of family members in his ad; and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani yucks it up with Santa.

I'm not impressed. They were all nice and sweet, but why not really have some fun?

So if I had done my own commercial, I would have enlisted former Sen. Mike Gravel of Alaska to don a red suit and play Santa as I dished out a few gifts to each of the candidates.

For Sen. Hillary Clinton, a cup of spiked eggnog and a helping of holiday warmth. She has struggled to be as tough as nails and present herself as sweet as lemonade.

For Sen. Barack Obama, a name change so we don't have to hear even more "Hussein Osama" flubs. When your last name is linked with No. — on the world's most wanted list, that's not a good thing.

For Sen. Chris Dodd, a one-way ticket back to the U.S. Senate. He has no chance in hell of winning, so why keep going?

For Sen. Joe Biden, one of those "Back to the Future" cars Michael J. Fox used in those great movies so Biden can run all over again in 1988. That was his best shot.

He knows it. We know it. But his mouth got him in too much trouble. I love the guy, but his time has passed.

For former governor, congressman, ambassador and energy secretary Bill Richardson, a CareerBuilder.com account because he'll need one in a month. Plus, he spends more time in the debates reciting his resume than he does reciting his positions.

For former Sen. John Edwards, a lifetime membership to Supercuts. Who the hell pays $400 for a haircut?! It's kind of hard to talk about poverty and then have to answer for that haircut.

For Gravel, a personality. I haven't seen a man that out of sorts since the movie "Grumpy Old Men."

For former Gov. Mitt Romney, more hair spray. Does his hair ever move? Reminds me of former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson and his perfectly coiffed mane.

For former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, more hair. Remember when he did the "combover"? Yikes!

For Sen. John McCain, how about a teddy bear? Because he's coming off kind of abrasive, as if he grits his teeth while talking.

For former Sen. Fred Thompson, a case of the energy drink Red Bull. This man has the most BORING campaign in history! Hey, somebody wake Fred up and shout, "Ready? Set? Action!"

For former Gov. Mike Huckabee, the George W. Bush foreign policy primer from his 2000 campaign. He's a little weak in that area. Maybe a few prayers will help.

For Reps. Tom Tancredo and Duncan Hunter, an all-expense-paid trip to Cancun, Mexico, for two. These two despise illegal immigrants, so why not let them learn a little bit more about life on the other side?

And for Reps. Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich, round-trip tickets on UFO Airlines. Some of their ideas are out of this world.

So with that, have a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Roland S. Martin is an award-winning CNN contributor and the author of "Listening to the Spirit Within: 50 Perspectives on Faith." Please visit his Web site at . To find out more about Roland S. Martin and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at .

Share This Story