Hanging out with my cell phone

I finally bought myself a new cell phone this week. It had been years since I bought myself a phone, which sounds smart if I was trying to get my contract to expire, or maybe I just sound very practical, "if it's not broke, why fix it?" But the truth is I am neither smart nor practical, just very, very lazy.

I have a Sprint phone, which was easy back when there was a Sprint store right here in Ashland. At some point that store closed, and the thought of driving to Medford to pick out a new phone for myself always sounded exhausting and I kept putting it off. I managed to put it off for years.

During this time I became unnaturally attached to my old phone. Sure it couldn't browse the Internet, give me Facebook updates or give me driving directions in real time, but I could talk on the phone (amazing!). It was also a flip phone, which I found incredibly satisfying on times when I was hanging up on someone. Nothing helps cure my anger like the good loud "click" of a phone.

My sister called this phone The Barbie Phone because it was very shiny and pink. Online shopping for a new phone never revealed one which would work as well for me as a fashion accessory.

I still can't bear to get rid of my Barbie Phone, and it clunks around uselessly in the bottom of my purse.

Now, I have a new phone with every fancy gadget you can imagine. I sat in the cell phone store browsing through the camera, the Internet, and typing out text messages on the nifty little screen, and I told the salesman "I may never get anything done ever again." That's turning out to be true. Why sleep when I can lie in bed watching episodes of The Office? Why attempt a social life when I can sit on the couch and send pictures of myself instantly to my 60 closest friends?

I should have gotten a new phone a long time ago. It turns out that one little drive to Medford gives me a return of many more lazy hours than I had before. I am slowly sinking in and becoming one with my mattress. There's an "app," or downloadable application, for nearly everything.

Did I remember to take my allergy medication this morning? Check the app! Do I need to wear a sweater today? App for that as well! Unfortunately, there is no app that helps in my occasional need to get up and use the bathroom, so there are at least a few things in life that force me out of the bedroom. Once a phone is invented that I can pee into I will be the first in line to buy that. Then my plot to disappear from the world in a cloud of laziness would be complete.

I got an e-mail last week which accused me, among other things, of being self-centered. I'm not going to argue with that. If this person finds me self-centered just by what he knows about me through my column, then I cringe to think what he would say if he met me in person.

I have a few defining characteristics and being self-centered and lazy are definitely the base upon which the rest of my personality is built.

This new phone allows me to update my Facebook status from anywhere. "Zoe is standing in line for groceries." "Zoe bought a new book." "Zoe slept exactly 3.5 hours tonight."

You don't care? Well, too bad. I do. And through my new phone, I have the ability to inflict my self-centeredness upon the rest of the world, or at least those unlucky enough to be in my address book.

Zoe Abel wrote this entire column on her cell phone! No, actually that would have been too much work. You can contact her at dailyzoe@gmail.com

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