More fun in the Cellar

Not long ago I wrote about a few funny calls and clients who I have visiting the Wine Cellar from time to time, which I received quite a bit of feedback on. Well, I thought, why not write another column on a few more interesting times down in the Cellar. Just when the day seems like boredom might just set in, the day just livens up. Okay, here we go.

1. Phone rings: Hello, Wine Cellar.

Caller: Hey. My wife and I drink wine every day. Is it good for us?

Me: Well, I can't really say. Everybody has different tolerances and ...

Caller: No, really. We read once some 10 years ago that drinking red wine was really good for us. So we've been drinking it and feeling great!

Me: Oh. Okay. You might want to check with your health adviser. How much wine do you consume?

Caller: Two bottles a day, more or less.

Me: Oh...

2. Phone rings: Hello, Wine ...

Caller: Some years ago my wife and I got a great deal on buying a man's wine cellar. He lived on the coast and the wines stayed really cool in the cellar.

Me: Sounds great. How might I help you?

Caller: I want to know what the wines are worth and if I can sell them. The way times are, we would like the cash.

Me: Okay. There are various ways you can do this. What kind of wine do you have and where are they from?

Caller: Well, that's the problem, that's why we called you. The wines have no labels on them but he said that the wines came from all over the world.

Me: No labels?

Caller: No. See, there was a flood and the labels came off — that's why we got such a great deal. But he said the wines were really good!

Me: Oh.

3. Phone rings: Hello Wi ...

Caller: Hi.

Me: Hi.

Caller: I just inherited what is supposed to be a really fine bottle of French Burgundy that my dad bought while he was in France a long time ago and kept in his cellar. I want to know the worth of the bottle. I know he paid a lot for this wine, like over five hundred dollars. It is supposed to be the best. It got like 98 points in the Wine Spectator magazine.

Me: Wow, that's great. Could you tell me what vintage you have, please? (long pause)

Caller: Uh, where would that be located. I don't see a vintage. Is that the date it was made or what?

Me: No, that is when the grapes were harvested. There should be a small neck band above the label on the glass of the bottle. Do you see it?

Caller: (anxiety) No, no. I think I see where it was. There's a spot of dried glue or something right where you said this band would be! There is nothing else on the front or back with a date on it. Oh, crap! So what does this mean?

Me: (quietly, not to be too alarming) Well, in most cases, it diminishes greatly the worth of the bottle. I'm sorry. Without knowing what vintage the wine is we just ...

Caller: Craaap! Can't I just make up one of those vintage bands on my computer and glue it on? So what's a good vintage date? (true story)

4. Client in the Cellar: Hi. I want a red wine that's not too harsh and kinda cheap and a white wine with a little sugar in it.

Me: Sure. Like a Riesling?

Client: Nice, I guess. I don't know too much about wine. See, my wife does not like red wine and I don't like red wine.

Me: So one for you and one for her, very sweet.

Client: Oh, no. I just take a decanter thing and pour half of each in and make one of those rosy wines.

Me: What? You blend the red and white and make a rosé? Why don't you just buy a rosé wine?

Client: They make them already poured together?

Well, there you have them. See you next week!

Share This Story