Ways and means: 2009

With the exception of the election of Obama, it's been a pretty dismal year. Some might argue that the entire decade has been fraught with events that are the equivalent of déjà vu all over again for Job. And, after giving the last 10 some thought, I'm fully prepared to blame the Republicans for most of the bad stuff that's occurred. Okay, that may seem a bit unfair. But then again ...

First things first, though: The Repubs are a cranky lot. Even when they're in power. Of course, they're not all grumpy old white guys. But it feels that way. Now that they're out of power, they seem decidedly ill-tempered. Evidence of their perpetual bad mood is their intent to obstruct just about every piece of legislation proffered by the current administration.

Today they're masters of their Just Say No universe, well practiced in drag and stall. Is there an app for No!?

Okay, in fairness, things did occur in 2009 (and during the last decade) that the Republicans were not responsible for. Even though it feels like they are.

No Republican was present when Tom Cruise jumped the couch on Oprah Winfrey. No Rightie designed Crocs, gladiator sandals or the Hummer, nor was any Republican implicated in the infamous Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction. No Republican has ever yelled, "Don't tase me, bro!" or has been spotted wearing a Kabbalah bracelet or wearing an edgy Unisex Emo fringe hairstyle. Some Red Dogs acknowledged enjoying "WALL-E," though they failed to see any connection between the film and our degraded environment.

There was broad Republican support for the color-coded terror alerts that were all the fashion during the last administration. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, someone in Homeland Security or Justice declared orange instead of yellow as the operative shade of fear. Cinnabar anyone? It helped if there was a presidential campaign in progress and Kerry was up a point or two. Be afraid, we were told, be very afraid. Right. Watching the Sopranos, now that was scary.

It was reported that one of John McCain's campaign staff reflexively supported Paris Hilton when she said she could see Russia from Beverley Hills. When a member of the RNC (Republican National Committee) was asked his opinion about K-Fed, he insisted it was an amendment to the health care bill and another example of a government takeover.

"What about Britney?" he was asked.

"That's up to the State Department," he replied.

"Do you twitter?" he was asked.

"Absolutely. It creates an ambient awareness."

Now that's so, like, trait positive. Dude. Very cool, because once in awhile you have to wear those rose-colored peepers, even if you're a Republican and out of power and trending toward trait negative. Meanwhile, bring on Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, and the latest very hot site, It's Always About Me.

And not to forget Joe Wilson, R-S.C., whose famous yell, "You lie!" during the State of the Union Address, went platinum. Actually, rumor had it that he dozed off during the speech and woke thinking he was in a deposition.

From the Did We Hear That Right department: A liberal Republican (by now a solid oxymoron), when asked about Massachusetts approving same-sex marriage, said that she felt that gays had every right to be as unhappy as the rest of us. Maine, however, disagreed. And speaking about the institution of marriage: Who can forget Crouching Tiger and the Hooking Left 25 Yard Drive over the fire hydrant, into a tree and now into the oh so deep rough?

Regarding those really scary Righties who brought us those Tea Bagger summer rallies and who appeared at town hall health care meetings screaming "Down with Reform," and those Birthers who doubled down on Kenya as Obama's birthplace, plus the "Don't Tread on Me" crowd who declared that they didn't bring their guns "this time!": These folks have now established, beyond all reasonable doubt, that their personality disorder is in some psych manual somewhere. Question is, will Medicare pay for treatment? Most recent outrage would be their latest bumper sticker or rally sign slogan that reads: "Pray for Obama: Psalm 109:8-9." The psalm reads, "Let his days be few; and let another take his office. Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow." Good grief.

So we can only hope that the Secret Service has moved their color-coded system to deep red. No crashers. And wish that this first year of a new decade will be the beginning of a renaissance of good will and somewhere, peace on Earth.

Honoré's reviews appear weekly in Revels.

Share This Story